Ep. 26: Petals to the Metal - Chapter Nine
Synopsis Full transcript available here. In this penultimate installment of a race that has gotten wildly, profoundly out of hand, our heroes take on a trio of automotive threats. Merle starts himself a convoy. Magnus fights a shark. Taako catches up with an old friend. The Race Continues! Klarg, having just caught Taako, checks to see if he's okay and places him into the sidecar of his motorcycle. Klarg's eyes are still clouded over, like they were when Taako charmed him back in Ep. 2. The Boar goes to attack Merle and Garyl, but Magnus rears back on the reigns to keep the boar from attacking. Two of the Crickets (the ones not driving) from the Cricket flatbed have jumped over to Hurley's battle wagon and are just going to town on the hood with hand axes. Magnus leads the boar over to Hurley's battle wagon, jumps off, and lands next to the crickets. Hurley decides to ghost ride the whip, leaping onto the hood of the car and doing some super Ong-Bak-style martial arts. She knocks the cricket boys off while Magnus looks on in wonder. There's a boom, and the iron and barbed spear from the shark tank (which is almost the size of Hurley's battle wagon), flies out, narrowly missing Taako and Klarg and piercing into Hurley's battle wagon. It's secured with a cable to the shark tank behind. The Interloper Klarg, with Taako in his sidecar, passes a giant black pylon. It recognizes him as an interloper, sounds an alarm, and shoots a giant, red, destructive laser shoot out the side of the pylon. Klarg swerves to miss it, but he is definitely not supposed to be there. Taako does a quick check on Klarg to see if he's still charmed, and he is. And it was Taako who charmed him. Maybe Taako's just really good at magic. They pull up alongside Hurley and fire Magic Missile at the boar, which dies. Magnus is a little sad about it. Horn Blast!/Exit Stage Garyl They're down to the Cricket Boys' crate/truck, Klarg's motorcycle, Sloane's Raven Boat, the Hammerhead Gang's shark tank, and Hurley's battle wagon. Merle decides he's going to try to attack the Cricket Boys' truck with Garyl's horn, which Garyl informs him is spectral and does no damage. Instead, Merle decides to tee-ball the glowing orb out of the hands of the Cricket Boy with the Adamant Spanner. The Cricket driver tries to sideswipe Garyl, and, as Taako fails his dexterity saving throw, Garyl gets sucked under the wheels of the truck. As he does, Merle is thrown to the truck bed and Garyl yells out, "Thank you for believing!" Unfortunately, Merle lands right at the feet of a Cricket Boy, who stabs him. On this week's episode of Shark Tank Magnus makes his way back to the spear and cable. He attacks the spear, dealing no damage ("It's iron, dog!" "I thought it was wood!"). Magnus then shoots an arrow at the Cricket Boy stabbing Merle, dealing 5 damage. The tank is reeling them in. Taako runs a perception check on the tank, and gets nothing. Then, a realization. Taako asks Klarg to scoot the motorcycle over to the tank and slow down, and then sends Klarg over to the tank to draw laser fire. Taako takes over driving the motorcycle, which is very powerful and has Garyl-distance (about 100 feet). Taako drives over and attacks the Mind Control Cricket Boy with two blasts of scorching ray, and the driver of the truck with one blast of scorching ray. It is very successful. Psycho Mantis catches on fire, and his bubble deploys, hotboxing him inside. The driver slumps over the steering wheel, setting off the horn. We Got Ourselves a Convoy! Merle scoots through to the cab, feet first, kicking the now-dead driver out of the cab of the truck, meaning that Merle is driving the Truck, Taako is driving a motorcycle, and Hurley and Magnus are on Hurley's battle wagon, all trying to catch Sloane, who has pulled ahead. Meanwhile, Klarg does his job admirably, drawing enough laser fire to decapitate the shark tank and surfing off the back of it, looking very cool. Maarvey, the only surviving member of the Hammerhead Gang, is driving the tank. Maarvey, exposed, pulls a lever to crank Hurley's battle wagon close enough for the shark's jaws and rows of sharp teeth to bite down into the rear of her vehicle. Magnus climbs back into the shark tank to attack Maarvey with Railsplitter. He whacks him real good on the arm. With his second action, Magnus attempts to find the button that will release the spear and jaws. Confronted with a lot of buttons, Magnus attacks the dashboard with Railsplitter, gets zapped with lightning damage, but releases the wagon. Taako guns it at top possible speed, but it's not fast enough. He casts Enlarge, which doubles the size of the bike, thus doubling its speed (probably). The other button Merle, obsessed with the button in Hurley's car, steers the truck back to Hurley's wagon and hops in the shotgun seat. He lifts the hatch over the button and Hurley stops him: * HURLEY: One second, Bronco! Let's get all our chickens home to roost before you kick that bad boy off. * MERLE: O- Okay, Tex. Over on the Shark Tank, Maarvey pulls out a big old hammer to swing at Magnus's knees. Magnus parries, reducing damage, and keeps his footing. Magnus attacks Maarvey with Railsplitter, very successfully. Maarvey spins 360 degrees, spurting blood, and gives the middle finger to Magnus. His bubble deploys, and he slides off the back of the tank very slowly. Magnus hops back over to the Battle Wagon, and Merle finally gets to press it. END OF EPISODE! Money Zone Featured NPCs * Hurley * Klarg * Sloane * Maarvey Featured Music * Battlewagons Featured Locations * Battle Wagon Race Track * Goldcliff Quotes Garyl can do anything! * MERLE: Garyl believe! Get me to the Cricket crate! * MERLE: I believe in Garyl! Come on kids! Clap your hands if you believe in Garyl! * GRIFFIN: Garyl sprouts wings! No fuck that. * MERLE: Awww! Fore!!! * GRIFFIN: Merle knocks the Scrying Orb high, high into the air...and you don't see it after that. * GRIFFIN: And you hear the other guy go... * JUSTIN: Awwww! That was my grandmothers' orb! Oops! * GRIFFIN: The driver is actually going to try to side-swipe Garyl. * JUSTIN: (gasps) * CLINT: You bastard! * GRIFFIN: ...Taako, since you are controlling Garyl, why don't you make a dexterity throw. * JUSTIN: Uhhhhhhmmmm....that's a 1. * GRIFFIN: Oh shiiiit! * JUSTIN: You see, Garyl talks a big game but... Ode to Garyl * TAAKO: Exit stage Garyl. Peace! Ode to Cricket Boy * TAAKO: Peace out, Psycho Mantis! They are ALL Nazis * CLINT: Was he a Nazi Cricket? Do we know that? * GRIFFIN: Absolutely he was! * CLINT: Alriiiight! * GRIFFIN: Just go ahead and assume that if you kill anyone in this game, they were a Nazi and had it coming! * CLINT: Alright. Good! Button button who's got the button * TRAVIS: Can I find an eject button? * GRIFFIN: What? No, it's not James Bond's Aston Martin. * TRAVIS: No, to release the spear. * GRIFFIN: Oh, uh, there's a lot of buttons. There's not really one that says "Press here for Deus Ex Machina." * TRAVIS: ...I want to attack the dashboard. Magnus rushes to... * MAGNUS: I brace! * GRIFFIN: For what? * MAGNUS: I don't know!! Luda! * GRIFFIN: Somewhere in the distance, Ludacris smiles. References Category:The Balance Arc Episode Category:Petals to the Metal